i’m really going to try and work on mindfulness in the coming days. my exams are over and i have so many elements of my life waiting for me in philadelphia: my job is taking me back as soon as i’m ready (which is now), i’m signed up for my last semester at school in the fall, i am moving into an apartment with my little sister in the same building as martin.
since sunday i had been really focusing on the element of loss, especially loss of potential. i am working on not feeling like my time here was wasted and not labeling all of my memories as painful and negative. i have been focused on all the strength i have as a person that has allowed me to get through far tougher things. i am focusing on the fact that i got myself here to england, did not see my family for 9 months, and took huge risks to get here and while staying here. i have written a fair amount of music, made a lot of videos, got my first article published, and the lowest grade I’ve gotten so far has been the equivalent of a B-.
instead of freaking out and crying while simultaneously building a mental wall i aim to acknowledge the pain i’m feeling and then probably also still cry.
i’m really thankful for bonnie for letting me watch hannibal in her room yesterday. i actually did get up early and revise for my exam.
i feel concerned i didn’t experience growth here because, as always, i let too many people take care of me. right now i regret that, and so many other things, but soon i will be ready to feel grateful that i was able to come here.